|Zombies: A Pop Culture Paradox|
|Written by Mahoney|
|Thursday, 27 October 2011 21:19|
Let's get one thing straight. The Zompocalypse is imminent. Not a theory, but imminent. So while stock piling ammo, blunt trauma weapons, and food be sure not to forget the toilet paper. We're not going to rebuild civilization by wiping our butts with leaves.
The problem is, when examining the pop culture and lore surrounding zombies there arise certain problems that seem to undermine the entire threat of a zombie invasion. The biggest one is that zombies by way of viral infection will never spread as it is depicted. I can hear your shouts of blasphemy now, but take the time to hear me out. I think I have some valid arguments as to why the Zompocalypse may not be so global.
Let's get right to the root of this paradox. Brains. According to current zombie lore the undead lust for living brain tissue is insatiable and constant. Zombies will press in relentlessly in an attempt to consume those delicious nerve clusters of knowledge. It is unknown as to why, but the fact that zombies desire brains remains unquestioned. But their object of desire is also their only point of demise.
To kill a zombie it requires massive debilitating trauma to the head. The kind to the point where it destroys the central nervous system, a.k.a. the brain. So if zombies desire to eat brains, but destroying the brain kills a zombie then the infection will never spread beyond patient zero.
Think of it as a linear time line. Some guy in a corporate lab is working on the viral weapon to sell to the military, or the black market if you prefer intrigue. One of his colleagues has been ridiculing him for this project. To teach a lesson to everyone out there, our scientist injects his heckling colleague with the virus. Our scientist then takes off to his private island with the wife and kids to wait out the new plague has unleashed thinking he'll return a hero with the only cure.
Our newly turned by raw injection zombie decides its time for his first kill and slowly saunters his way over to the neighbor's house for a late night snack. He finds his way in, like zombies somehow manage to do and begins to dine. He eats his victims' brains and a few hours later... they're still dead. Not zombies. The infection never manages to spread.
What if they instead desire living flesh in general and not just brains. Well, I hate to say it, but the hordes of infected would once again, not happen. There are a number of factors here, but let's assume first that zombies just know the difference between living flesh and dead flesh. They also only desire human flesh. Also, the disease is spread only by the bite.
For starters we all know what to look for when spotting zombies. If you see some half dead, stumbling drunk, smells like rotting meat idiot walking on your lawn I'm pretty sure you're not going to let said zombie get in your personal space. I don't care how hot she is or how much you are a necrophiliac no one will let them in your personal space. You'll open up that zombie repellent kit you have laying around.
But let's someone has been bitten. Human's have shown to be quite resilient at living for some time after losing limbs. So if a zombie pins you down and starts chowing you could be in for quite a painful routine in which your only means of undead mobility is being gnawed off before your eyes. Even if the zombies don't eat your limbs off, ripping into your muscles in general will kill your movement. So children of the original parent zombie will be severely impaired.
Despite all of this reasoning I'm still gathering up ammo like the end of days is tomorrow. I mean, if the Zompocalypse isn't viral, but instead supernatural then everything I've said here could be wrong. Go ahead and think I don't have two of every weapon I can get my hands on. That's right, two. No one survives alone. Double protection is a good idea.